New Year should not only bring prosperity but also immense happiness and joy. We bring you a collection of rib-tickling jokes that are guaranteed to make you Laugh Out Loud.
Laugh Out Loud on These Advertising Jokes
1. If advertising can be accused of making people live beyond their means, so can matrimony.
2. A ketchup company in Canada ran a series of advertisements that really rocked the country. The ad showed a man dining in a restaurant about to cut into a steak; the pretty waitress was serving a bottle of ketchup. The blazing headline on the ad read: “He gets it downtown – why don’t you give it to him at home?”
3. A man who lives in the suburbs of Los Angeles and works in the advertising department if a large metropolitan newspaper had never been able to figure out the deferential attitude, bordering on awe, of the children in the block towards him. Recently, he was walking around for a little stroll and he came upon a group of little boys discussing the newest American satellite as it hurtled through orbital space around the earth. As he paused to say hello to the youngsters, everything suddenly became clear when one of the boys said to him: “Are you really a space salesman?”
Laugh Out Loud on These Age Jokes
4. The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used car – you know it’s set back but you don’t know how far.
5. Teacher: “How old would a person be who was born in 1920?”
Smart pupil: “Man or woman?”
6. The judge pounded his gavel for the court to come to order, then turned to the woman in the witness box.
“The witness will please state her age.” he ordered, “after which she will be sworn in.”
7. Conductor: “You will have to pay fare for that child lady. He’s over twelve.”
Passenger: “How can he be over twelve when I’ve only been married ten years?”
Conductor: “Lady, I just collect fares – not confessions.”
8. A pretty girl came to the roulette table at Las Vegas and with a $100 bill and explained to a group of gentlemen admirers that she could not decide which number to bet on.
“Why don’t you play it on your age?” one of the men suggested.
“That’s a good idea – I’ll do it,” the girl said, and she placed the $100 on 22. The wheel spun and finally came to a stop at 28.
“Oh, no!!” the girl gasped and fell to the floor in a faint.
9. “Your name, please?” Asked the registration officer.
“Matilda Brown,” answered the woman.
“And your age?” he pursued.
“Have the Misses Hill next door, given you their ages?” she asked, hesitantly.
“No,” said the officer.
“Well, then, I’m the same age as they.”
“That will do,” said the officer. Then, proceeding to fill out the form, he wrote, “Matilda brown, as old as the Hills.”
Laugh Out Loud on These Aging Jokes
10. You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
11. A white-haired old man approached his doctor and said: “Doctor, I’m slowly going nuts over women. Is there any way to speed it up?”
12. Careful grooming and a smooth paint job will take 20 years off a woman’s true age. But you can’t fool a long flight of stairs.
13. In the village post office, a stranger saw the local patriarch sitting on a flour barrel, whistling. A bystander informed him that the old fellow already had passed his hundredth birthday. Impressed, the man exclaimed, “That’s amazing!”
“We don’t see nothin’ amazin’ about it ‘round here,” was the laconic reply. “All he’s done is grow old – and he took longer to do than most people would!”
Laugh Out Loud on These Armed Forces Jokes
14. “I would rather be a general than a private. Generals don’t have to fight for their medals.”
15. A soldier leaving an army base was overheard saying to a comrade: “This has got to be love at first sight. I’m on an eight-hour pass.”
16. Supply Officer: “How does your new uniform fit?”
Recruit: “The jacket isn’t bad, but the trousers are just a little loose around the armpits.”
17. Postmaster: “I’m sorry, but I can’t cash this money order unless you have some identification. Have you got friends in the camp?”
Soldier: “Not me: I’m the camp’s burglar.”
18. The sergeant was explaining some important points to the squad of recruits on the rifle range. “This type of bullet will penetrate two feet of solid wood,” he said. “So remember to keep your heads down.”
19. The major who received a complaint about the issue of bread snapped angrily, “If Napolean had had that bread in Russia, he would have eaten with great relish.”
“Yes sir,” spoke up the sergeant, “but it was fresh then.”
20. The draftee was awakened roughly by his platoon sergeant after the rookie’s first night in the army barracks.
“It’s four-thirty!” roared the sergeant.
“Four-thirty!” gasped the recruit. “Man, you’d better get to bed. We’ve got a big day tomorrow!”
21. An applicant for employment gave his reason for leaving his previous job, which was that of a temporary sorter at the post office: “Done all the work.”
He had also served in the Army, and to the formal question: “Why did you leave the Forces?” he replied: “Won the War.”
22. Sergeant-major’s golden rules for new recruits detailed for duty in the officers’ mess:
“1. If it moves, salute it.
2. If it doesn’t move, sweep it up.
3. If it’s too big to sweep up, pick it up.
4. If it’s too big to pick up, paint it.”
23. The old colonel had put in forty long years under Army routine, and now he was being retired. He took his orderly with him as a servant, and gave him strict instructions:
“Now, George, each morning at five o’clock sharp you wake me up and say, ‘Time for the parade, sir,’ and then I’ll say, ‘Damn the parade!’ and turn over and go back to sleep.”
24. “Now watch out for the colonel, because he’s coming to inspect the post,” said the sergeant, as he marched off and left O’Brien to his first outpost duty. After an hour the sergeant returned, “Colonel been here yet?” he asked.
O’Brien said “No,” and the sergeant departed again for an hour, returning with the same query.
Then, at last, the colonel did appear.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked O’Brien.
“Shure, an’ I don’t know at all,” replied the recruit.
“I am the colonel.”
“Faith, an’ you’ll catch it, then! The sergeant’s been asking for you twice already!”
25. The lady was not aware that her drive had carried her into an army maneuvers area. As she approached a small bridge, a sentry stopped her and said, “Sorry, but you can’t drive across this bridge. It has just been demolished.” Leaving her dumbfounded, for the bridge was in perfect repair, he walked off.
As she sat pondering at the possibility that the sentry was insane, another soldier approached. “Young man,” she asked, “can you tell me any reason why I can’t cross that bridge?”
“Lady,” he replied soberly, “I can’t tell you a thing. I’ve been dead for two days.”
26. Two harassed-looking privates were staggering across the barrack square from the direction of the kitchens with a huge steaming cauldron slung between them. The most officious, most interfering officer in the whole regiment spotted them from his window and straightaway sallied forth. “Hi, there – you men – put that down.” They did so. “Get me a ladle,” ordered the officer. “B-b-but, sir —-” stammered one of the privates. “Don’t query an order,” snapped the officer. “Do as you are told. Get me a ladle.” A ladle was duly obtained. The officer dipped it into the cauldron, brought it out fully, blew on the contents, swallowed them. His face changed. “Call that soup?” he demanded fiercely. “N-n-no, sir” came the stammering reply, “it’s the water we’ve just done the washing-up in.”
27. A draftee on his way to training camp asked another draftee. “Do you happen to have a match?”
“Sure,” was the second draftee’s reply. “But I’m making sure not to give you any.”
“But why?” was the startled query from the first recruit.
“Well,” said the second, “we’ll get to talking, and if we get to talking, we’ll wind up as buddies. And if we’re buddies, we’ll get into the same tent and the same squad; then we’ll both volunteer to go for special missions. Maybe we’ll even get a dangerous night job, and we’ll have to use flashlights. And if the flashlights should happen to go out some dark night in enemy territory, I sure don’t want to be stranded with someone who doesn’t even carry matches!”
Laugh Out Loud on These Bachelor Jokes
28. The only thing worse being a bachelor is being a bachelor’s son.
29. Prospective employee: “Just why do you want a married man to work for your father and not a bachelor?”
Boss: “The married men don’t get upset if I yell at them.”
30. The bachelor’s attractive new housekeeper tiptoed into the study and asked apologetically, “Sir, shall I clean your stove and sweep your porch now?”
“Margie,” said the bachelor, “in this house, we are all for one and one for all. You do not say ‘your stove’ or ‘your porch’ or ‘your chair.’ Instead, you say ‘our stove’ ‘our porch’ or ‘our chair.’”
That evening Margie served a splendid dinner to the bachelor and his boss and the boss’s daughter, whom the bachelor was anxious to impress.
Margie was late in serving the last course and she rushed into the dining room and excitedly announced: “I’m sorry I was late, sir, but I was upstairs chasing a mouse from under ‘our bed.’”
Laugh Out Loud on These College Jokes
31. The type of education a college person gets sometimes depends on the type of institution he attends – educational or coeducational.
32. Colleges and insane asylums both are mental institutions in a way. But one has to show some improvement to graduate from an asylum.
33. “The college I went to turned out some great men.”
“When did you graduate?”
“I didn’t exactly graduate. I was turned out.”
34. Friend: “Has your son’s college education proved helpful since you took him into the firm?”
Father: “Oh yes, whenever we have a conference, we let him mix the cocktails.”
35. Friend: “You look all broken up.”
College student: “I wrote home for money for a study lamp.”
Friend: “So, what?”
College student: “They sent the lamp.”
36. “How come your son is doing so well in college?”
“Well, wine makes him sick, he’s afraid of women, he hates to play games, he’s allergic to the sun, and he can’t sing, so he just stays home and studies.”
Laugh Out Loud on These Debtor-Creditor Jokes
37. Running into debt isn’t so bad. It’s running into creditors that hurts.
38. The installment collector came around to remind Joe he was seven payments behind on his piano. “Well,” replied Joe, “the company advertises, ‘pay as you play’ – and I play very poorly.”
39. “Will you tell me, my dear friend, how you manage, that you are never pressed for money, but always have plenty of it?”
“That’s very simple; I never pay old debts.”
“But how about the new ones?”
“I let them grow old.”
40. A merchant tried for many months to collect an overdue bill, but with no success. Finally, he sent a tear-jerking letter accompanied by a picture of his little daughter. Under it, he wrote, “The reason why I need the money.”
By return mail came a photo of a voluptuous blonde in a bikini bathing suit. It was captioned, “The reason why I can’t pay you.”
41. A man called a dozen of his creditors to tell them that he was about to go into bankruptcy. “I owe you over $100,000,” he said, “and my assets aren’t enough to pay you five cents on the dollar. So I guess it will be impossible for you to get anything – unless you want to cut me up and divide me among you.”
“Say, Mr. Chairman,” spoke up one creditor, “I suggest we do it. I’d like to have his gall.”
42. In one of those western scenes so familiar on TV, two groups of men were shooting it out in the barroom of a shabby roadhouse. Suddenly a meek little man entered the door and started right across the room toward the bar. All the shooting stopped.
The bartender got up from behind the safety of the bar and said, “Partner, it took real courage to walk right through all those six guns without looking right or left.”
“Not at all,” replied the meek little man as he asked for sarsaparilla. “You see, I owe money to everyone in the place.
43. Ted: “I started out on the theory that the world had an opening for me.”
Fred: “And you found it?”
Ted: “Well, kinda, I’m in the hole right now.”
Laugh Out Loud on These Fishing Jokes
44. It’s a crime to catch fish in some lakes and a miracle in lots of others.
45. A man who will sit on a pier all day waiting to catch a fish will complain if his wife has dinner 10 minutes late.
46. “Young man,” said the stern moralist to the boy fishing on the creek bank, “your time must not be very valuable. I’ve been watching you two hours and you haven’t had a single bite.”
“Well, stranger,” the lad replied, “I consider my time too valuable to waste two hours of it watching another guy fishing when he ain’t catching anything!”
Want more laughter in your life?
Here are two fantastic recommendations that will make you laugh out loud:
Laugh Out Loud Book by James Patterson
This recommendation is for all book-lovers.
In his jokebook, Patterson aims to teach young readers that nothing is impossible to achieve; you just need to have faith in yourself.
Price: ₹299
Laugh Out Loud App by Kevin Hart
Kevin Hart is undoubtedly the world’s best comedian and he brings you a premier all-in-one source for real comedy.
With hilarious lineups and funny videos, Hart sure knows how to make his audience laugh out loud!
Free for Android and iOS users.
